I promised some time back to come up with a list, so after some rumination I’ve come up with some possibilities. Feel free to suggest some more and we’ll do this again…
The micro-manager. Yes, the ever-popular micro-manager, guaranteed to make your life a living hell. Ordinarily does not allow anyone else to make a decision. If you do make one, it will get over-analyzed and thrown back in your face repeatedly (especially if it turned out badly). MMs work their butts off because they have to.
The mis-informationistas. This is a branch off the lying-bastard family tree. A mis-informationista is too sly to come out and tell a whopper. They prefer the backdoor. One might suggest to your manager that they saw you come in from lunch an hour late, but neglect to say that they saw you leave for lunch an hour late.
The “There’s no ‘me’ in team (except ME)”. Two facets to this person – a) must be on every team, and if you leave them off they fuss, and b) they claim 100% of the credit if things go well and they bail like Lebron James if things go poorly.
The butt-kissing lackey. This is self-explanatory. It’s one of the more prevalent species of work weasel. As I’ve written before, the BKL is susceptible to other BKLs. We have one in our office and I get physically ill just being around him. I feel like I need to break out the Old Spice whenever he’s even near…
The delegator. This is another favorite. Don’t get me wrong – all managers need to delegate, and I’ve noticed that good delegators tend to be good bosses. There are some who delegate nearly everything, and then wander the halls like Bill Lumbergh and wonder where the TPS reports are. Combine a delegator with a micro-manager and cyanide sounds pretty good…
The prevaricator. It’s a much nicer way of saying “liar”; another branch off the lying bastard tree. We have a safety director who makes changes in our safety rules, claiming all the while they are required by the state codes. When you ask her for the code number, she’ll promise to provide it and then never deliver. If you look them up yourself you never find them because “you’re not looking in the right places” (according to her). Of course not. She made the whole thing up. Prevaricators don’t like data. As opposed to…
The human rain delay. No doubt you have heard of analysis by paralysis? If they ask for data, you are in trouble because they will keep asking for data until hell freezes over or they come to a decision (and I’m betting on Old Nick needing a parka). Most of the time these people don’t have the courage to make a decision, so they stall until the decision makes itself or the need for the decision is gone. Or until the best opportunity in the history of your company is taken by your competitor…
The genioramus. This is the guy who impresses the bosses with his encyclopedic knowledge of everything, except he (or she) really only knows a few things that he (or she) repeats ad nauseum. It usually has something to do with a buzzword or two…
The queen. A new one generated by experience at the new gigs. This is an admin who is laboring under the impression that she/he is really the boss, so asking for monumental tasks like making copies or sending something via Fedex is below their standing. This one thinks she would be better than me at my job because she flunked out as an electrician's apprentice...and I have, like, only two degrees...
The amiable dunce. With apologies to my high-school German teacher, who came up with this phrase to describe our then-president, this person cannot accomplish any task by himself. He's nice and gets along well with others, so the boss thinks he's effective, but all his peers cannot stand the sight of him because they know that when he appears in your doorway he will ask for help and then expect you to do it all for him.
The micro-manager. Yes, the ever-popular micro-manager, guaranteed to make your life a living hell. Ordinarily does not allow anyone else to make a decision. If you do make one, it will get over-analyzed and thrown back in your face repeatedly (especially if it turned out badly). MMs work their butts off because they have to.
The mis-informationistas. This is a branch off the lying-bastard family tree. A mis-informationista is too sly to come out and tell a whopper. They prefer the backdoor. One might suggest to your manager that they saw you come in from lunch an hour late, but neglect to say that they saw you leave for lunch an hour late.
The “There’s no ‘me’ in team (except ME)”. Two facets to this person – a) must be on every team, and if you leave them off they fuss, and b) they claim 100% of the credit if things go well and they bail like Lebron James if things go poorly.
The butt-kissing lackey. This is self-explanatory. It’s one of the more prevalent species of work weasel. As I’ve written before, the BKL is susceptible to other BKLs. We have one in our office and I get physically ill just being around him. I feel like I need to break out the Old Spice whenever he’s even near…
The delegator. This is another favorite. Don’t get me wrong – all managers need to delegate, and I’ve noticed that good delegators tend to be good bosses. There are some who delegate nearly everything, and then wander the halls like Bill Lumbergh and wonder where the TPS reports are. Combine a delegator with a micro-manager and cyanide sounds pretty good…
The prevaricator. It’s a much nicer way of saying “liar”; another branch off the lying bastard tree. We have a safety director who makes changes in our safety rules, claiming all the while they are required by the state codes. When you ask her for the code number, she’ll promise to provide it and then never deliver. If you look them up yourself you never find them because “you’re not looking in the right places” (according to her). Of course not. She made the whole thing up. Prevaricators don’t like data. As opposed to…
The human rain delay. No doubt you have heard of analysis by paralysis? If they ask for data, you are in trouble because they will keep asking for data until hell freezes over or they come to a decision (and I’m betting on Old Nick needing a parka). Most of the time these people don’t have the courage to make a decision, so they stall until the decision makes itself or the need for the decision is gone. Or until the best opportunity in the history of your company is taken by your competitor…
The genioramus. This is the guy who impresses the bosses with his encyclopedic knowledge of everything, except he (or she) really only knows a few things that he (or she) repeats ad nauseum. It usually has something to do with a buzzword or two…
The queen. A new one generated by experience at the new gigs. This is an admin who is laboring under the impression that she/he is really the boss, so asking for monumental tasks like making copies or sending something via Fedex is below their standing. This one thinks she would be better than me at my job because she flunked out as an electrician's apprentice...and I have, like, only two degrees...
The amiable dunce. With apologies to my high-school German teacher, who came up with this phrase to describe our then-president, this person cannot accomplish any task by himself. He's nice and gets along well with others, so the boss thinks he's effective, but all his peers cannot stand the sight of him because they know that when he appears in your doorway he will ask for help and then expect you to do it all for him.
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