As I’ve written on at least one occasion, life is a bell curve. There are a few really good bloggers, a lot of average bloggers, and a few unreadable hacks. This is a near universal rule. Statistically it’s a hard and fast rule, but have you heard of poetic license? One exception to this is consultants. Here it goes like this – there are a few decent consultants and a whole bunch of bottom-dwelling scum suckers. No disrespect intended…
The plant where I work is part of a much bigger company, but we’ve been traded around like the bear in Pit. Times are tough, and sometimes it seems we’re too desperate for that magic bullet that will turn our fortunes around. Into that void leaps a host of schleps to rescue us from our money.
You may have noticed that I tend to be a bit negative when it comes to the people who pay my salary. It’s true. My company is a lot like a self-obsessed teenage girl who stares into the mirror all day and wonders aloud to all her friends, “Am I pretty? No, really. Am I pretty? Because you would tell me if I’m not, right? I don’t think I’m pretty. I’m not as pretty as you, am I? I’m pretty, aren’t I? Is my makeup all right? Is my butt too big? You’d tell me the truth, wouldn’t you?”
These two paragraphs come together when we hire consultants. I tell you this as a cautionary tale so you, the enlightened middle manager, will not repeat it.
We hire consultants by the bushel. We always drink the Kool-Aid. Here’s the oft-repeated ritual.
1. Identify the problem. We’re good at this. We have many problems for a myriad of reasons, not the least of which is trying to do all the things that the consultants think we should be doing.
2. Ask others who have “solved” or are “trying” to solve the same problem. We’re also good at this. We can fact-find with the best of them. And boy, can we talk a problem to death with people who have the same problem. We’re really good talkers.
3. Hire the same consultant as they did to “analyze” our situation and “make recommendations” so that we can improve as much as our friends from item#2.
4. Take the bait. The consultant always reviews our situation and reports back that we need EXACTLY the service they provide. It’s uncanny. They are so amazing. How do they always know what we need? We could be the white paper on this particular problem.
5. Write the PO. Which is followed shortly by…
6. Turn the organization sideways. Which is followed shortly by…
7. Spectacular failure. But, of course, we’re the problem because we did not “buy in” due to “cultural issues” that were never addressed adequately by the project team because they were not allowed to “focus” or they were “too cynical”. The consultant walks away with our cash, smirking, looking for the next mark.
You would think that we would be savvy enough to figure out that consultants will sell us what they want to sell us, which is not the same as what we need to buy. This is the part that infuriates me the most. When I ran projects, I never went to a vendor and asked, “Dude, what should I buy from you?” Never. But now that I’m a manager, I’m expected to ask the vendor what I need. WTF is up with that?
The trigger for this rant is that we’re between steps 3 and 4 above and I’m trying very hard to spit the bit. My manager is pushing me to write the purchase order for the services of a particular consultant who recently visited the plant and decided that our problem was exactly the same problem he was an expert at fixing. Imagine that. We have lots of problems, but we didn’t even know we had this particular disease until this freaking Dr. Feelgood showed up. We’re the twisted teenage girl, remember, so we’re going to buy the Proactive even though our acne pales compared to our crappy haircut, Salvation Army clothes, abuse of makeup, crooked teeth, bad breath and snorting Arnold Horshack laugh (there’s an old-guy reference).
What really has me fired up is that the consultant wrote an email to my boss hinting that one of the supervisors who works for me is an idiot because he is looking for an apple-to-apples quote from one of the consultant’s competitors (at my request). Unfortunately, the consultant was recommended by my boss’s boss’s boss, and as you might remember my boss would sell his first born to reach the executive suite, and not hiring the consultant would be seen as not being a “team player”. So he’s going to make us hire this arrogant prick no matter what. I’ve been throwing up in my mouth all day.
Hopefully your organization has the ability to do some self-analysis and does not get caught in this trap. Identify your problem. Do not ask anyone else to do it. If you don’t know what it is, ask the folks below you. They’ll know it outright or give you the insights that will help you figure it out yourself. Then target a specific consultant for your issue. Make sure they know your problem but for God’s sake do not ask them; they can all part the Red Sea – they will tell you about it ad nauseum. Google it and prepare to spend some time. Get references – lots of references. Ask the references what they were told. Ask them what they learned they should have asked in the first place. Query their unintended consequences. Finally, find out if it stuck. It’s usually a bad sign if they have to think about it.
Don’t spend the money on the guy with the good suit. Take your folks to Dave and Busters instead. It probably has a better ROI…
The plant where I work is part of a much bigger company, but we’ve been traded around like the bear in Pit. Times are tough, and sometimes it seems we’re too desperate for that magic bullet that will turn our fortunes around. Into that void leaps a host of schleps to rescue us from our money.
You may have noticed that I tend to be a bit negative when it comes to the people who pay my salary. It’s true. My company is a lot like a self-obsessed teenage girl who stares into the mirror all day and wonders aloud to all her friends, “Am I pretty? No, really. Am I pretty? Because you would tell me if I’m not, right? I don’t think I’m pretty. I’m not as pretty as you, am I? I’m pretty, aren’t I? Is my makeup all right? Is my butt too big? You’d tell me the truth, wouldn’t you?”
These two paragraphs come together when we hire consultants. I tell you this as a cautionary tale so you, the enlightened middle manager, will not repeat it.
We hire consultants by the bushel. We always drink the Kool-Aid. Here’s the oft-repeated ritual.
1. Identify the problem. We’re good at this. We have many problems for a myriad of reasons, not the least of which is trying to do all the things that the consultants think we should be doing.
2. Ask others who have “solved” or are “trying” to solve the same problem. We’re also good at this. We can fact-find with the best of them. And boy, can we talk a problem to death with people who have the same problem. We’re really good talkers.
3. Hire the same consultant as they did to “analyze” our situation and “make recommendations” so that we can improve as much as our friends from item#2.
4. Take the bait. The consultant always reviews our situation and reports back that we need EXACTLY the service they provide. It’s uncanny. They are so amazing. How do they always know what we need? We could be the white paper on this particular problem.
5. Write the PO. Which is followed shortly by…
6. Turn the organization sideways. Which is followed shortly by…
7. Spectacular failure. But, of course, we’re the problem because we did not “buy in” due to “cultural issues” that were never addressed adequately by the project team because they were not allowed to “focus” or they were “too cynical”. The consultant walks away with our cash, smirking, looking for the next mark.
You would think that we would be savvy enough to figure out that consultants will sell us what they want to sell us, which is not the same as what we need to buy. This is the part that infuriates me the most. When I ran projects, I never went to a vendor and asked, “Dude, what should I buy from you?” Never. But now that I’m a manager, I’m expected to ask the vendor what I need. WTF is up with that?
The trigger for this rant is that we’re between steps 3 and 4 above and I’m trying very hard to spit the bit. My manager is pushing me to write the purchase order for the services of a particular consultant who recently visited the plant and decided that our problem was exactly the same problem he was an expert at fixing. Imagine that. We have lots of problems, but we didn’t even know we had this particular disease until this freaking Dr. Feelgood showed up. We’re the twisted teenage girl, remember, so we’re going to buy the Proactive even though our acne pales compared to our crappy haircut, Salvation Army clothes, abuse of makeup, crooked teeth, bad breath and snorting Arnold Horshack laugh (there’s an old-guy reference).
What really has me fired up is that the consultant wrote an email to my boss hinting that one of the supervisors who works for me is an idiot because he is looking for an apple-to-apples quote from one of the consultant’s competitors (at my request). Unfortunately, the consultant was recommended by my boss’s boss’s boss, and as you might remember my boss would sell his first born to reach the executive suite, and not hiring the consultant would be seen as not being a “team player”. So he’s going to make us hire this arrogant prick no matter what. I’ve been throwing up in my mouth all day.
Hopefully your organization has the ability to do some self-analysis and does not get caught in this trap. Identify your problem. Do not ask anyone else to do it. If you don’t know what it is, ask the folks below you. They’ll know it outright or give you the insights that will help you figure it out yourself. Then target a specific consultant for your issue. Make sure they know your problem but for God’s sake do not ask them; they can all part the Red Sea – they will tell you about it ad nauseum. Google it and prepare to spend some time. Get references – lots of references. Ask the references what they were told. Ask them what they learned they should have asked in the first place. Query their unintended consequences. Finally, find out if it stuck. It’s usually a bad sign if they have to think about it.
Don’t spend the money on the guy with the good suit. Take your folks to Dave and Busters instead. It probably has a better ROI…
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